My Sibling's Keeper by Ken Daniell

I am continually working to grow as a leader. One area that I am working on is my resiliency. I am in a group coaching cohort with the Mountain Sky Conference led by Ben Kiker. He has offered great ideas that I am using. We need to have a presence of mind when our insane thought generator (ITG) is in action. ITG is that thought process that seems to kick in when anxious, fearful, and lack of confidence in ourselves. When we are implementing a new program, our mind goes into overdrive, and we think of all the things that can go wrong. It’s usually at 2 am, and we are starring at the ceiling in a cold sweat, thinking everything will go wrong. At this moment, Ben is coaching the group to "stop and pull up." It is from his love of flying. When an airplane is about to crash, a "pull up" warning will sound. Upon googling this, I read that this is not a time for a pilot to question the notice. It is a time to pull up immediately. Our warning should trigger when our ITG starts to engage. We need to make this automatic. Stop and Pulling Up pushes us to be grounded and self-aware. Rev. Jack Shitama, on his Non-anxious Leader Podcast shares, that our resiliency comes from being a non-anxious presence. Jack has written several books and blogs and has his podcast that centers on leaders' practical steps using Murray Bowen's family systems.

Jack Shitama uses the book Generation to Generation by Edwin Friedman to discuss family systems. I have sworn to read this book now that I am serving as a church leader. I am "cheating" by letting Jack do the heavy lifting for me right now. I keep hearing from Jack's podcast that we need to self-define and not define others. We often put our fear, anxiety, and ITG output onto others. "If I start this project, Sarah is going to work against me. Sarah is my enemy, and I need to stop her." By defining Sarah and her motives created by my ITG, I begin to see her as the enemy. I begin to dehumanize her so I can feel better about hating her, and it then becomes my "moral" duty to stop her by whatever means necessary.

Take an old story from the Bible. Cain was a tiller of the ground, and his younger brother Abel was a keeper of sheep. They both brought an offering to God. Cain perceives his offering as less. Rather than self-defining, Cain defines God, which is always a bad idea. Cain defines his offering as less. Cain further defines his younger brother as the enemy. We can infer there were some family system problems before this story. Cain might have already seen Abel as the enemy because, as the younger son, he could have received more attention. Cain dehumanizes Abel to the level of an animal that Abel raised. Cain kills Abel in an attempt to regain God's favor. Cain's actions are scapegoating and triangulation at its worst. Cain tasks no responsibility for any of his actions. When God punished Cain, he further defines others when his ITG tells him others will kill him. Having learned nothing and refusing to be self-aware and self-define, Cain leaves to settle in the land of Nod.

I have to laugh when I think of the land of Nod. Ben was discussing in a past coaching session that we have a sleep and awake setting. We move back and forth between them. We need to stay awake and present at the moment to be more resilient. We need to avoid the land of nodding off. We are living in a time of scapegoating. Jack talked about this in a recent podcast. For so long, we could blame the Russians for everything, and then the Iron Curtain came down. The Berlin Wall came down, and we as a country turned inward to find our new scapegoat. We blame those on the other side of the aisle. We “other” each other. Our problems are because of who is in the White House or controls Congress. We do not self-define, define others, and usually describe the other as the enemy. We need to start with applying our thoughts and beliefs as American or Christian. The other is not American or an enemy of the state, they are not a Christian, and it becomes a Holy War. These actions are what has led to the rise of White Supremacy as a faith practice. The need to exile those that are not like "us" out of the church. However, the progressive side is not free from blame. I have witnessed progressive pastors asking how to preach to the other side and purge the church from those who did not vote. Also, calling for this purge is dehumanizing, claiming some are not fit to worship in the church. Brene Brown, in a podcast about the insurrection, discussed the dehumanization of Donald Trump as some called him the Head Cheeto in charge. I believe it is also dehumanizing to call someone a snowflake.

We need to self-define and stop defining others. We need to rehumanize each other and work together towards a better world for everyone. We must stop defining others, calling them the enemy, and wanting to destroy them. When asked about our actions, say, "Am I my sibling's keeper?"